I was happy. Let me back up. I’d rebuilt my wall after a week full of despondency. I fall into those very easily like a bleeding crack in the skin of the world. Being a writer of dark fantasy/paranormal romance where my characters are far too often faced with insurmountable despair, I try to keep a thin layer of it available at all times to dip into like a paint pot in order to detail a scene, but sometimes it overflows. If I’m too stressed out or too anxious, the ends can’t hold and down I plunge. It took the better part of last week to dig myself out of it so that I could do any kind of writing at all. I have to have some kind of confidence about myself in order to create anything. I couldn’t write; I couldn’t blog; I couldn’t do very much except go to work, go to my jazzercise (dance aerobics) class, and sleep. By Thursday, after a conversation with a good friend who suffers similarly, I felt better. Usually, all I need is someone to understand and to validate what I’m feeling. There’s…too much to go into with this, but suffice it to say that I have numerous issues that I’m working on.
Anyway, I decided to make these macros. I’m not sure why. I have a section on OneNote dedicated to phrases I would like to put to pictures, and the “We can be more than the sum of our grief,” resonates with me as it itself came about during a dark time. Another friend said something to me that amounted to, “We all have a crying mess inside of us,” when I was lamenting my behavior at the 4th of July party I talk about (among other things) in Box Full of Darkness, and he said the words in the quotes and it made me feel better. The Sum of Our Grief sprung from that. We don’t have to just be that. While it might dwell at our core and be tender to the touch, we can build around it or build from it (the latter is probably more productive).
I couldn’t decide between these three pictures so I decided to use them all. The first two consistently destroy me, anything with Sephiroth and his true mother Lucrecia do so because it’s such a tragic story. The words are from my constantly talked about fanfiction (I’d apologize for that, but I don’t think I should be sorry). Aeris says it to him, which is why I had to find a picture of him and the flower girl, but I could see Lucrecia trying to impart such wisdom to her son as well (ughhh like right now I’m about to cry. You see?). With Lu it’s far more bittersweet because (in my head) it’s something said that must be remembered. Even in pictures of them together, I can’t imagine their time will be for long. I don’t know why…it just aligns with my head canon. Even if they were to meet, it would not be limited. With Sephiroth and Aeris, at the very least, it’s something that she can remind him of every day, which is again my head canon. You are not required to prescribe to my ridiculousness, and well, I did write a fanfiction pairing them so there’s that.
The top two pictures are by Deviant Artist Dark6Nika who actually liked the first macro I used for it on tumblr. I used the top picture in A Mother’s Love. It’s super flattering when the original creator of an image likes your manipulation of it. Granted, she manipulated the image, too, but in a much more talented way than I ever could. Huh, so my macro is a manipulation of a manipulation, a meta-manipulation…like the major issue in FFVII.
After I finished these I had to watch some American Dad! to lighten my mood. It helped, but there’s still quite a bit of sad floating around. It shouldn’t deter me from working on my WIP this evening though, and so long as you garner some enjoyment from these, then making them was not in vain.