I’m writing from my phone so no featured picture, no links, and I apologize in advance for any typos.
It’s been a few days, and I’m still trying to process the turn of events. I won’t say “new” turn of events, because honestly, it should’ve been expected. The signs were all there, but many of us, the expert pollsters included, ignored it.
To say I haven’t struggled would be a lie. To say I’m not still struggling would be a bigger lie, and I’ve told myself enough lies prior to Tuesday night. I am truly frightened, and reading the numerous accounts on social media does not allay my fears. Whatever happens in the coming months cannot erase this, regardless what our new leaders do even if they do well or not as bad as feared. The psychological damage is devastating, and the despair is as deep as I’ve ever gone. This has broken me.
I appreciate beyond what I can say all the messages, tweets, and comments you’ve sent me. I’m sorry I haven’t answered. I have a huge backlog of those and your posts to go through. I haven’t done any blogging, writing, editing, reading, or gaming since the results. All of my pursuits have pretty much come to a standstill. I’ll try to address what I’m going to attempt I do. Hopefully by saying this, it will prompt me to push past my hopelessness and establish some normalcy again.
The State of the Reader – I will try to update the Reader from Wednesday. It’s in my drafts since I add to it every day.
FF Tarot – since this is tonight I should be able to keep on schedule.
Comments and Posts – as stated above I’ll be slowly going through them all your blogs are so important to me, and I receive an email when you post so I don’t miss anything. You’ve all been so supportive and awesome, and I feel awful when I don’t have the energy to read your lovely posts. It might take a bit, but I go through from oldest to newest so you may see likes/comments on older posts.
The Broken Rose – …this is hard. I want to continue editing and posting this, but it is hard to edit a story about sexual assault and how that should be treated when an individual who has done it numerous times has not only never been called to task for it, but has been rewarded time and time again, this final with the running of our country. I don’t have words for how much this hurts. I don’t know how to express how invalid I feel. I can’t explain how knowing your worth as a person means nothing to the systems in place. I’m happy I don’t have a daughter. I don’t know what I would say. Sometimes the bad guys win? As true as that is, it’s still hollow and doesn’t encompass how wrong and shameful the situation. This has told sexual predators that their actions are acceptable even more than a thousand Brock Turners. He was at least convicted.
Writing The Broken Rose in our broken time was hard because as terrible as the things I wrote were, someone is living that today, but it was also incredibly powerful because I was able to shape a reality that benefited the victim. What kept me going was our world as a whole seemed like it was moving in the right direction. While rapists weren’t typically punished, there was still vehement outcry and castigation towards their reprehensible behavior. Now, their legions have received a major boost, and while fantasy may force use to suspend out disbelief in the magical, I did not want this to apply to decency.
I will try to continue editing. A few people have told me that now is the time when stories such as this are needed the most. That this could be my own small dissension against depravity. My doubts as someone of significance stymie this thought though along with my knowledge of fanfiction stigma. I’m no one of consequence writing a story that many will see as being of no value due to what it is, a cruel reflection of how I feel today. No one will discuss this in classrooms. There will be no dissertations or lectures about the content. What does it matter? I attempt to keep the rallying cry of “If this reaches just one person, then it’s not a waste of time.” If a victim reads this, takes in what I’m trying to express, and they realize how they should be treated even if they aren’t, then that’s a small but significant step. I’ll continue as best I can, trying to fight the demons of despair and invalidity for that reason alone.
“We all have grief. We all carry despair, but these things are not all we are.”